Young Women and Older Men: A Psychological Perspective
Today I would like to unpack the observations and experiences I have encountered while dating older men in my early twenties. I will outline the psychology behind why age gap relationships are appealing and how it can affect you.
1. Psychological impact of dating older men
When I talk about older men I speak about someone who is 8 years and older than the women. (In this case, for women in their early 20s)
Why is age gap appealing?
Age gap relationships started being appealing to me as a way to get what I wanted(materialistically) with little to no effort/hard work. Until I realized that actually what is important in life is one’s basic needs being covered and everything will come in due time, And my dad never failed to provide for me what I needed. So I understand women/girls that think older men are for a better economic situation
I have also observed that if you find the right person in an age gap relationship, they can economically place you in a profitable situation, because they already have the money and network to invest in your dreams, and they also want to see you succeed. Some have been put through school by their older spouse, businesses have been started because of their spouse. I, for one, have received money to start multiple ventures. Always remember every coin has two sides
I have observed that the new social media trend that has resulted in age gap relationships being appealing is, for lack of better words, greed, gluttony, and envy. So basically, to keep up with people who were born into wealth and the lifestyle awarded to them by their parents that took years, if not generations, to build, if they didn’t get lucky in business early on, now we want it now.
Dave Ramsey once said (paraphrase): “The problem with social media is we see a lot of people on social media living this life, and you don’t know if it is true or they are faking it and who it is funded by/how. Where else in the past you only saw what your neighbors had to compare yourself to, and you knew how they could afford it and that their lives weren’t so perfect because you saw them fight with their spouse, but on social media only the good is posted, and you never see reality “.
2. How can you be affected?
As mentioned previously, “there are always two sides to every coin.”. You can be positively and negatively affected?
The positive implications
Well, for me, I grow up in a not-so-poor neighborhood, some may consider it a middle class (I disagree)
With the background I came from and the opulent lifestyle I knew I wanted. It seemed like a far-fetched dream. I knew I could achieve the life I wanted, but not having anyone in my vicinity giving me an example that it was attainable, I was discouraged. Meeting an older man changed it all.
This businessman visited me weekly. He took me to lavish restaurants in hidden, wealthy locations for business meetings. (I draw these conclusions from my observations, where I saw that primarily most of those people were wealthy people sometimes celebrities who didn’t want to have meetings in the other popular 5-star restaurants) .In summary, these exertions made me believe that I could actually achieve the sumptuous life I always wanted.
Dating older men also impacted me positively by familiarizing me with etiquette and making me comfortable in these upscale spaces. From a girl who wasn’t exposed to this way of living, you might feel like an imposter and like you don’t belong when you enter these spaces although paying to be there. For example, I used to feel uncomfortable with being served(not letting the waiter place my plate on the table and taking it midway, also clearing the dinner table by staking plates on top of one another “to make it easier for the server to clear the table,” thinking I was helping). Lastly, just having the confidence to demand proper service and food because I am a paying customer. So Exposure Exposure helped greatly.
The Negative implications
These truly range. Personally I consider myself truly lucky because I didn’t experience extreme implications (PS The harsh effects will be explored further when I share stories friends and other young women have faced). I consider myself to have received the mild effects
The mild implications
- Forceful beliefs being inflicted on me- I usually went through this when the man was/considered himself unperforming economically as compared to his peers (in simple terms, old and broke). That is when I would start speaking about my dreams and aspirations, they would say, “It is just that you are still young; when you grow up, you see how life actually is like.”. Which I interpret as, ” I have given up on MY lofty dreams; therefore, you should too, because I am older therefore wiser.”. (Urgh, in disgust)
It’s either they saw my potential to achieve my dreams and therefore thought by telling me I couldn’t achieve them indirectly, I would give up and scrap the bare minimum I was being offered. Or maybe they didn’t, but just in case I have what it takes, I won’t try because they say life is hard, just for them to keep me at the same place because if I were to achieve my ambitions, then they wouldn’t have access to me because they are already underperforming.
2. Advice- When I was asked for advice with regards to a situation, my advice was not taken if considered, if not dismissed. This primarily stems from the fact that some of these older men will never see you as an equal because you are younger, therefore rendering you inexperienced and unworthy to be listened to because you “haven’t seen life.”. This can really mess up the entire relationship because you are inexplicably being shut out of decision-making. This is just harmful in any relationship because “what if the situation affects you directly and you are not included in decision-making?”
3. Why I hate the “you are Mature” compliment – With a passion, the guy usually can’t come back from this compliment. My reasons are: Upon observation and experimentations I realized that this compliment usually comes from men that were significantly older (10+, 15+, and 20+ years) after I expressed my discomfort with the age gap. I think it was in efforts to convince me that, because they think I am mature, (preying on the desire to appear or act older as young adults) that now that compliment would reassure me that, “Yeah, I am mature and mature people can handle big age gap relationships/ dating older men.”. The ultimate manipulation tactic to get you to do something you don’t want. PS, there are many more of these tactics I will share as time goes by.
Conclusion
In exploring the psychological effects I went through in dating older men. I realized that I still have a lot more experiences to share. I think I will share in detail Storytime stories on my YouTube channel because I don’t want to make my blog post too long.
Share with me an email of your thoughts, opinions, or stories. I would love to hear if you have gone through similar situations or realizations.
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